It’s been 3 months since I lost my baby. In those 3 months I’ve gone through every single emotion. I’ve been more sad and lost than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I’ve had this guilt hovering over me for so many reasons and it’s been really hard to put a handle on it. I think that every emotion is talked about when you speak of infertility and baby loss, but guilt is one that we don’t hear very often. But I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
The thing with being a women is we feel this need to control every situation. We plan our days, our meals, our vacations, our future, etc. So when life throws us a curveball we automatically take blame. There are have been so many moments in the last 3 months that I blame myself for Nate and I not having a family yet. I realistically know that this miscarriage and most likely the others were not caused by anything that I did but I still feel like it’s my fault in a way.
A couple weeks ago, I decided to attend a baby shower. I went for one reason and that is that I love Nate and his whole family and I wanted to support them. As selfish as it may seem to some, I did not go because I wanted to. Again I felt guilty because I didn’t want to go. I am glad I went and supported my family but leaving the event made me realize that there is no shame in telling people “no”. If you are invited to a kids birthday or any event in that matter and it’s too hard simply tell them you will not be attending. Spend that time taking care of yourself and dealing with your emotions. I know people think that those of us going through infertility are too emotional, but the things we are going through they will never be able to imagine let alone understand.
During these last couple of months I haven’t felt like I’ve been the best sister, daughter, friend, and most of all wife. I definitely feel like my husband deserves better. I’ve been distant and unsocial. I try to mask those emotions, but no matter what is said or done they are still in the back of my mind. I read something a week or so ago that really struck me though. In the book it said that couples going through infertility need to remember that even though they do not have children doesn’t mean they don’t have a family. They are each other’s family. You don't even know how many times I've felt lost or like I don't fit in because I don't have a family yet. That one sentence in the book made me rethink that. I know that no matter what happens I’ll always have a family with Nate. That makes me so happy!
I’ve decided to start focusing more time and attention to my relationship with myself and Nate rather than focusing on anything outside of that. I’ve decided to limit time I spend on social media and focus on living in that moment whole heartedly. I’m learning to balance my fitness and nutrition routine a bit so I don’t feel so much stress if I stray a from the routine. I will still stay focused on living as healthy by eating right and exercising regularly, but I won’t put so much pressure to meet goals. I’m excited to start these changes and make some amazing memories with my family
Here’s the thing that I’ve learned by my infertility and baby loss experiences…. To be able to mourn, cope, and walk with your held high after being dealt such a hard hand in life makes you a very strong individual. The amount of weight you lift, the distance you run, or the number on the scale can never measure that. You should never feel guilty for taking a step back and realizing just how amazing you are. Always remember how truly amazing you are!
I’m almost done with my personal trainer/coaching programs finally. I’ve been trying to come up with a “purpose” to my program and what I want my clients to take away from it. My overall goal is to make them live a happier life. I want them to set small and big goals and be able to accomplish all of them. I will help them learn information on how to live a healthy lifestyle. I want them to lose weight, live life, and have self-worth. This program will not be only about weight loss. It’ll be a journey to living a happy, non-judgmental, and goal driven life.
The best thing I’ve ever done in my life is choose to take care of myself. I’m learning to love every aspect of myself ,right down the little pudge of fat I still have on my stomach. I still have some inner demons that I’ve got to work out, but for the most part I’m confident with myself. I remember feeling so unhappy and unconfident. It was hard for me to get motivated to go anywhere because I was afraid of what people would think when I walked by. It makes me so sad to remember how unhappy I was.
It truly breaks my heart when I hear of people feeling that same way. I wish so badly that I could make them realize that it doesn’t have to be this way. You can change it and you’re not stuck this way forever. I don’t believe all change comes physically. There has to be a want to become mentally and emotionally stronger. To me it all goes hand in hand. As you become physically stronger and healthier you also become mentally stronger. As you’re running that extra 30 seconds that feels like forever, you have to mentally tell your body that it can and will do it. That right there is why I love fitness and that is why I can't wait to continue to help others feel better about themselves. I feel as if I've found my purpose in life.
Throughout my fitness journey I have used running as my tracker on how things are going. It was the first thing that I started doing when I decided I was sick of being fat and unhealthy so going further and faster is a great way for me to make sure I’m steadily making progress. Last week I ran the furthest I’ve ever ran at one time…. 5 miles! It felt amazing to accomplish this goal and reminded me of something very important that we all need to remember. Your goals and your accomplishments are exactly that…. Yours! They should be celebrated by you, not dismissed because someone else is doing better. The reason I’m writing this is I feel it’s important for others to realize that just because you are not where others are at in life, fitness, work, and/or weight loss does not mean your accomplishments are any less rewarding. Celebrate every single small or big goal that was met!
If you are on Instagram you are fully aware that it is full of fitness inspired accounts, mine included. Some are aimed at weight loss, some are aspiring trainers, and others are people capturing their impeccable physiques in preparation for competitions. While these can be great motivation for some, others get discouraged and frustrated. They base their own results on the results of others, a lot of times people they have never even met in real life. This is not at all healthy and I feel it needs addressed.
There have been a few times that I have felt competitive towards others results because I felt they were better than mine. There have been times that I judged others because I couldn’t see results in their before and after pictures like I thought there should be. A girl who is preparing for a bikini competition has far different goals than I do. Just like someone who is trying to gain weight has different goals than someone losing hundreds of pounds. The thing we all need to remember is that we all have different body types, different metabolism, and different hormonal balances. The way we lose weight and build muscle will take a different amount of time and we will all see different results. It is not logical to think that you will see the same results as someone else.
What I’m trying to say here is that you’ve got to accept your goals and accept your accomplishments. Don’t get caught up in what others are doing. Stay focused on you and your life will be happier. It’s taken me a while to realize this and I’ve been happier since. Life is about balance. Balance in every aspect of your life is crucial. If you are feeling overwhelmed, defeated, and down because of your lack of results then it’s time step back and reevaluate you current situation and make some changes.
Wife and Mom! I love all things fitness, nature, and design inspired. Infertility warrior and new mom through adoption. Living this busy life the best way possible!