It’s been 3 months since I lost my baby. In those 3 months I’ve gone through every single emotion. I’ve been more sad and lost than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I’ve had this guilt hovering over me for so many reasons and it’s been really hard to put a handle on it. I think that every emotion is talked about when you speak of infertility and baby loss, but guilt is one that we don’t hear very often. But I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
The thing with being a women is we feel this need to control every situation. We plan our days, our meals, our vacations, our future, etc. So when life throws us a curveball we automatically take blame. There are have been so many moments in the last 3 months that I blame myself for Nate and I not having a family yet. I realistically know that this miscarriage and most likely the others were not caused by anything that I did but I still feel like it’s my fault in a way.
A couple weeks ago, I decided to attend a baby shower. I went for one reason and that is that I love Nate and his whole family and I wanted to support them. As selfish as it may seem to some, I did not go because I wanted to. Again I felt guilty because I didn’t want to go. I am glad I went and supported my family but leaving the event made me realize that there is no shame in telling people “no”. If you are invited to a kids birthday or any event in that matter and it’s too hard simply tell them you will not be attending. Spend that time taking care of yourself and dealing with your emotions. I know people think that those of us going through infertility are too emotional, but the things we are going through they will never be able to imagine let alone understand.
During these last couple of months I haven’t felt like I’ve been the best sister, daughter, friend, and most of all wife. I definitely feel like my husband deserves better. I’ve been distant and unsocial. I try to mask those emotions, but no matter what is said or done they are still in the back of my mind. I read something a week or so ago that really struck me though. In the book it said that couples going through infertility need to remember that even though they do not have children doesn’t mean they don’t have a family. They are each other’s family. You don't even know how many times I've felt lost or like I don't fit in because I don't have a family yet. That one sentence in the book made me rethink that. I know that no matter what happens I’ll always have a family with Nate. That makes me so happy!
I’ve decided to start focusing more time and attention to my relationship with myself and Nate rather than focusing on anything outside of that. I’ve decided to limit time I spend on social media and focus on living in that moment whole heartedly. I’m learning to balance my fitness and nutrition routine a bit so I don’t feel so much stress if I stray a from the routine. I will still stay focused on living as healthy by eating right and exercising regularly, but I won’t put so much pressure to meet goals. I’m excited to start these changes and make some amazing memories with my family
Here’s the thing that I’ve learned by my infertility and baby loss experiences…. To be able to mourn, cope, and walk with your held high after being dealt such a hard hand in life makes you a very strong individual. The amount of weight you lift, the distance you run, or the number on the scale can never measure that. You should never feel guilty for taking a step back and realizing just how amazing you are. Always remember how truly amazing you are!
Hi my name is Whitney and I'm a mom to 2 adorable boys. Here you'll find our story of infertility, adoption, grief, and hope. I'm an open book so you'll never know what I'll post next!