Faith

For the last month I’ve really been struggling with my faith. Faith in the process, myself, but mostly god. I feel like my faith is dwindling down so fast and I don’t have the answers needed to fix it. I believe in god. I can’t bring myself to deny him because I’ve been taught enough in my life to know of his existence, but I don’t know if I have faith in him. He’s let me down so many times that it’s hard to fully believe in his reasoning.

The faith and hope needed to endure infertility is huge. You go into every appointment with hope that the answer is what you need to hear. Your faith in the doctors feels like your whole world is in his hands because quite frankly it is. Those who have children know that they are their whole world. Those of us battling infertility have the same feelings only we don’t physically get to hold them. At times the closest we get to seeing our children are the pictures of the embryos before transfer, a small blob on the screen at an early ultrasound that never progresses, or a baby born too soon that never took its first breath. 

My faith has faltered throughout my time dealing with infertility, but nothing compared to what it is now. I’m so mad that I had to lose my baby but babies are born addicted to drugs, babies are killed, and babies are born to molesters every single day. Why? How is that fair? The god that I was born believing in isn’t this cruel right? I know the answers will never be good enough for me. Nothing will make it easier but I hope one day I get the clarification I need to feel better. I really hope one day I can come to peace with this. I hope one day I can say with 100% certainty that I believe in God and his reasoning.

I want more than anything to have unwavering faith. I have spent so much time over the last couple of weeks searching for ways to come closer to god. I know my faith in him is still there. It’s a tiny glimmer, but it’s not completely lost. I want to be a spiritual person, not necessarily religious. My gut instinct is to stay away from trying to practice any religion and just build a relationship with God. I am trusting my instincts on how to gain my understanding, but I would love some insight from those of you have lost their faith in God and how you were able to find it. 

This is probably the hardest post I've wrote. I feel really lost and vulnerable right now in so many ways. I'm hoping by opening up about this I'll have people reach and let me know that I'm not alone and that it won't be this way forever.