Some days are definitely easier than others. Today is not an easy day. I’m not even sure why I’m having a hard time dealing with things today, but yesterday I was fine and nothing has changed since then. The hardest part of infertility is the unknown and the unanswered questions.
Last week Nate and I met with our IVF coordinator to get the ball rolling with our schedule. We were given our specific protocol which includes the medicine I'll be taking, what pharmacy they go through, the dates it will tentatively start, and financial options. There was so much information to take in. I felt optimistic and excited after the appointment. I always feel good when I leave the office because I feel like I’m taking a step closer to the final result. Today I started really looking into our options to financially afford this procedure. We are looking at anywhere between $12,000-$24,000 to go through with IVF. We have a mortgage, car payments, living expenses, etc and to add this on to it really makes me anxious. What if we put so much money and time into it and it doesn’t work out? Why is this something that I am having to go through? Am I strong enough to deal with it?
Today I sat at work and cried during lunch. I left work, called my dad, cried a whole lot more. Got home, talked to Nate, got emotional but didn’t cry, then I started watching a sports show about blind children who go to a sports camp every summer and turned into a blubbering mess all over again. Poor Nate doesn’t know what to do with me when I get like this, but all it takes is him to hold me. His hugs honestly help with everything!
I felt like giving up today. I didn’t even make dinner or go to the gym. I was physically and emotionally drained. If I’m so stressed out already, is it even worth it? Are the days of multiple shots to the stomach, hormones going crazy, thousands of dollars, small surgical procedures, test and ultrasounds every other day, really worth it? Without a doubt they are. I will do anything to be a mom. If this IVF doesn’t work out, we will move forward with adoption. I have to know that I gave my all in order to give us a biological child before I look into the adoption route. It’s a personal choice that we are comfortable with.
For all those reading this who have gone through IVF or are in the same boat as me, I would love some friendly words of encouragement, advice, and many prayers/good vibes sent my way. Heaven knows if I’m ready for the rollercoaster journey coming my way, but I’m going to give it my all!