14 weeks.....

It’s been a few months since I’ve written anything and there is a lot that has happened. In June we started our donor egg IVF cycle. The cycle went perfect. The donor did amazing and after all was said and done we transferred 2 blastocysts and froze 6.  On July 4th we were able to announce the transfer worked and we were pregnant! My first beta blood draw came back at 113 and our first ultrasound at 6 weeks we were able to hear the heartbeat. It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard!

At 8 weeks I went back for our second ultrasound and heard the heartbeat again. The baby was measuring perfect and we were able to graduate from the fertility clinic. It was such a bittersweet moment. I was so excited to have made it this far but scared to leave a place that I felt so comfortable with. At 11 weeks we went to our first OB appointment and again the baby looked perfect. Strong heartbeat and wiggling all over the place. We were over the moon excited and decided to take announcement pictures to officially announce on social media. I bought the cutest onsie and it made it feel so much more real.

We decided that we would announce on my birthday When I turned 13 weeks. September 9th was a Friday so I went to work like every other day. I was feeling fine but around 4pm I went to the restroom and had quite a bit of brown blood. I of course freaked out but I tried to stay calm because brown blood is old blood and usually turns out ok. I got home and told Nate about it. We were supposed to go to Park City for the night but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to relax without getting checked so We stopped at the ER to make sure everything was ok. I was only spotting so I felt ok about everything but wanted to confirm it. The ER doctor did an ultrasound and we could see the baby moving and the heart rate was good. He thought he could see a small placental tear which would explain the spotting. He recommended we call my OB on Monday to get a better look.

On Monday morning I called my OB and got on schedule for Wednesday. He WASN'T TOO CONCERNED BECAUSE IT WAS STILL BROWN SPOTTING AND HADN'T INCREASED. On Wednesday he did an ultrasound and found a large, 5cm, subchorionic hematoma. The baby was still wiggling around like crazy and the heartbeat was strong at 150. He told me to take it easy and to come back for my already scheduled appointment in 2 weeks.

That following day I went to work but noticed some period like cramping. It started getting stronger and stronger around lunch time. I left work for lunch at noon and was going to take a Tylenol to help the cramping. When I bent down to sit in my car everything changed. I felt a weird pop and a gush of fluid. I initially thought that the hematoma ruptured or something and I was going to find a bunch of blood. When I got home I immediately went to the restroom but didn’t find any blood. Instead it was clear fluid with bits of brown blood. I still didn’t know what was happening. I went upstairs to our master bath to change my pants and while I was in there I started having strong cramps again. I sat on the toilet because it felt like I needed to push. As I went to wipe I could feel something. I felt what it was and that’s when it hit me. I was in labor and delivering my baby. I called Nate to tell him to get home asap.

It took me about 30 minutes before I gave birth and it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I will never forget seeing my baby that I loved so much already laying lifeless in the toilet. At 14 weeks my baby was gone. I was in shock. I remember shaking uncontrollably and not being able to rationalize my thoughts. I called my mom, who left work to come be with me. I knew I needed to stay off my feet but every few minutes I WAS RUNNING TO THE RESTROOM BECAUSE I was still having contractions and losing a lot of blood and tissue. After a few trips to the restroom my mom noticed I was looking really pale so she felt it was best to call my DR. I called and let them know what had happened and how much blood I was losing. They told me to go to the ER right away.

We drove the ER about 10 minutes away and I was feeling really lightheaded and faint. The ER nurse got me right back and immediately started an IV and drew blood. They had me change into a hospital gown and there was so much blood dripping on the bathroom floor. I remember wanting to clean it up because I was embarrassed but I was so lightheaded. The ER doctor ordered an ultrasound to make sure everything had been expelled. The ultrasound was so hard because 24 hours earlier we had seen the baby wiggling around and this time there was nothing. It confirmed I had lost everything.

After the ultrasound the ER doctor came in to do an exam. He had me lay back on the table, feet in stirrups, and he started pulling out tissue and blood soaked gauze. It was so painful and so sad. The doctor confirmed that I was still losing a lot of blood and tissue and that I would need aN EMERGENCY D&C. Around 8 PM the OR nurse came in and wheeled me up to the operating room and put me to sleep.

I woke up from the procedure and immediately wanted Nate. I started bawling and shaking and just wanted him there. When I woke up a little more they let Nate in the recovery room and I’ve never needed his hug more. He is my rock. The on call OB doctor who did the surgery had let my mom and Nate know that I tolerated the procedure well, but I had lost a lot of blood and there was a possibility I would need to stay overnight and require a blood transfusion. After about an hour of recovery time they drew some blood to check my levels. They luckily came back ok and I was released to go home.

 I keep having flashbacks of the day and I still don’t understand. I don’t get how everything starts out so perfect but ends so horrible. I don’t understand how a baby that was so loved and wanted has to die without being loved on by the parents. I’ve dealt with pregnancy loss 6 times now but none of them hurt like this one. We had real plans for this baby and now they are lost. 

Pregnancy loss is hard to cope with. Its reminders all day, every day. It’s being sad that you are able to lay comfortably on your stomach because for weeks you weren’t able to due to your growing uterus. It’s packing your house and finding the onsie and ultrasound pictures that you cherished. It’s hearing the sound of a heartbeat on a TV show and remembering the first milestone you finally reached at your first appointment. iT'S CRYING WHEN YOU DRINK YOUR FAVORITE STARBUCKS DRINK BECAUSE YOU HADN'T DRANK ANY CAFFEINE FOR MONTHS. It’s having your husband lay awake, unable to sleep at night and knowing that you caused that sadness for him. 

Nate and I have a lot of decisions to make in the next couple of months. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve any of this and I hate that Nate has to deal with it because of me. I know that no matter what path we have to take to have a family that he will be there supporting me with the decisions. My love for Nate has never been stronger and I hope he knows that he is the best husband and will be the most amazing dad one day. Hopefully that day is sooner, rather than later.

It's been 3 weeks since our loss and I keep thinking it will get easier. this week has been the hardest. I miss the feeling of our dreams coming true. i miss the hope we felt. mOSTLY, i MISS THE HAPPINESS THAT CAME FROM BEING EXPECTANT PARENTS. MY WORLD WAS PERFECT FOR 14 SHORT WEEKS. 

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