Through My Loss.......

Things happen for a reason. Most of the time we have no idea what that reason is and a lot of times I don’t think we will ever know. I am in the process of losing my 5th pregnancy. And even though I was only pregnant for a little over a week it has once again changed me. Even though I feel completely heart broken and lost, I still have to focus on the lesson.

Last night the doctor called and told me that my HCG levels had dropped and that I was indeed going through a miscarriage and all of a sudden my life turned. As I was lying in bed crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, all of a sudden a thought overcame me and I stopped crying…. I am a better person because of what I’ve gone through. For once in my life I truly believe it.

Through my loss, I’ve gained strength.  I think everyone has a moment in life where they don’t feel like they can make it through. That moment where you know life will never be the same and you don’t want to go forward. I’ve had 5 of those moments. Every single loss has been hard and every single time I don’t think I’ll be okay but here I am. Some days are better than others. There are days where I’m moody and sad. Then there are days where my biggest accomplishment is not crying through the day. Even though I think about my losses and what the future holds for me every single day there is one thing I’m certain of….. I’ll make it through and I’ll be okay.

Through my loss, I’ve gained faith. There have been times where I’ve blamed God for what has happened. I’m not going to lie he’s the easiest person to blame. I am not the most “religious” person. I don’t go to church every week and I don’t do all the right things, but I do have faith. By going through trials our faith is tested. I’m not just necessarily talking about religion. I’m talking about faith in yourself and your beliefs. By believing in yourself and your beliefs you open yourself up to a whole new outlook on life. In the last couple of months I’ve never felt more at peace with my life. My faith has been tested and I’ve faltered, but I’ve learned a lot in the process.

Through my loss, I’ve gained understanding. About a week before I found out I was pregnant, I had a dream that is still so vivid. I dreamt that my Grandma, who passed away years ago, was talking to me on our couch. I can still see her cute nose, her pink lips, and hear her voice. It’s like she was really here with me. When I found out about the pregnancy, I thought maybe the dream was a good sign that everything was going to work out this time. But now knowing that I’m miscarrying, I think it was a sign to me that the babies are in heaven with her. It honestly brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. To think that they are safe in heaven surrounded by loved ones brings me so much comfort to me.  

Through my loss, I’ve gained stronger relationships. The greatest lesson I’ve learned through the process of baby loss has been the strength of my relationships with my family and friends. My husband is without a doubt my beacon of strength and the biggest blessing in my life. He helps me cope with laughter, keeps me busy, and never forgets to hug me. His hugs are my favorite place to be. I will never take his love for granted because he has helped me in more ways than imaginable. My In-laws have accepted me as one of them and they are amazing. Their hugs and flowers they sent me has really brightened my day. My family. There are no words to describe how much they mean to me. They are the first to offer help whether it’s my mom offering to bring me lunch, my sister spending all day researching possible causes for my miscarriages, or my other (crazy) sisters being vulgar in front of my mom and making me laugh. They help me in more ways than they know. My dad has always been my rock. He will drive hours to take me to lunch just because he misses me and he knows I need him.

Do you ever think about your life and all of a sudden everything is put in perspective? I have been taught so many lessons in the last couple of years, but the one I’ll never forget is to be thankful for what I have. The most impactful things in your life are not things. They are people, lessons, blessings, and self-worth. As long as you remember who you have in your life, look for the lesson in all things, count your blessings, and remember your self-worth you’ll be able to make it through anything.