Infertility - Two Waiting Hearts

Two Waiting Hearts

We Have So Much Love To Give

3/1/2015

Baby loss is a weird thing. It’s something that people are sad for but don’t quite understand. They are sad for you because they know it’s hard. They are sad for you because they were excited when they heard the news. And they are sad because a loved one is hurting. The thing with this is they never really know how sad you are. People who have never went through baby loss/miscarriage will never fully understand the magnitude of the sadness that you feel.

I’ve been feeling distant and alone for the past week. I feel completely alone because even my husband doesn’t understand how sad I really am about it. Sure he’s been there when I completely and emotionally break down in the kitchen and he holds me while I sob at night, but he doesn’t get it. No one gets the fact that I have constant reminders of the happiness I felt just a few short weeks ago and nobody gets that all day every day I have a constant reminder of the emptiness I feel. I’m reminded in movies, music, billboards on my way to work, every single time I go to the store, and every single time I get on any social media site. It’s something I cannot get away from, ever.

I was really hoping that after my appointment on Wednesday that I’d come out of the slump I’ve been in. I got answers regarding the reason why I miscarried, but I still feel like I have so many things unanswered. I know the baby tested for Trisomy 4, but why? Was this same cause for my 3 other losses? Will every single pregnancy end in this horror? Will I ever have a healthy baby that I’ll be able to hold?

I think this one has been the hardest on me. Not only because I felt so confident that everything was going to be okay and it wasn’t, but because we confirmed the baby inside me was actually a baby by getting genetic testing. The baby had its own genes and it was growing in me for 3 short weeks. I’m now convinced that there is life immediately after conception.

Baby loss is a weird thing. It causes you to experience feelings you’ve never felt before. It causes you to look at life differently. It causes you to re-evaluate the important things in life. It makes you realize the people who are truly there for you. It causes you to become a better person because you realize just how much love you are capable of giving someone who you only knew for a very short time.

Do Things Your Way

3/1/2015

From the moment I went into my weight loss journey I had a mentality that I was going to do this my way. I wasn’t going to do any weight loss system, no 21 day challenges, no wraps, no pills, etc. My heaviest weight that I remember being was 314 pounds but I do believe that I was heavier than that at one point because for the longest time I did not step on the scale and it wasn’t until I lost a little after being started on Metformin for my insulin resistance that I dared see the number. My exercise consisted of jogging, walking and some circuit training. I lost 50 pounds pretty quickly by doing this 1. Because my body was constantly shocked by the new movements that it hadn’t done in a long time. 2. My calories were lower in my diet and my body required more calories to function therefore my calorie deficit was more.

That was 4 years ago and I am still focusing on that mentality, however things have changed. I’m not losing weight anymore which I know is because my body doesn’t need to lose it as bad as before but I can’t help but be frustrated. As of now my calorie intake is right around 1900-2100 calories a day and I focus on eating foods to fit my macros. My typical diet consists of whole grains, protein, veggies, fruits, protein powder, and eggs. I do let myself have “cheats” here and there which I mostly save for the weekends. As far as my fitness regimen goes I work out 4-5 times a week and do a mixture of cardio and weights at the gym.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I’m feeling stuck lately. I am seeing definition appear in my body, but I’m not losing the last little bit of weight that I want to lose. I have been so frustrated with myself because there are a few things that I know are stalling my progress but yet I can’t stop them! What makes me feel frustrated with it is I know it’s all in my head and the fact that I can’t overcome it makes me feel weak. So I’ve made a game plan for myself. I’m going to wean myself off of the little “triggers” that I feel like I need in my life, but really don’t!

I sat down the other day and made long and short term goals for myself. My goal for the end of March is to be down 1 pant size. I’m kind of in the middle of sizes right now so it shouldn’t be too hard, hopefully! That’s my big goal… my little goals will help me accomplish that goal. The little goals are to stop drinking soda and to step out of my comfort zone in the gym. For some reason I always turn to diet sodas and I know they are so bad for me. It’s so dumb! I’ve switched up my gym routine a bit as well to “shock” my muscles. I tend to do things that I’m comfortable with in the gym because I am scared to try something new and look stupid if I’m doing it wrong. No more of that though! I am super excited to start some new things!

I am still doing this 100% my way. I’ve come to realize that no matter what part of the weight loss journey you are in there is always something trying to hold you back. And no matter what that thing is there is only one thing that will determine if the goal is met… you. I am so excited to start these new changes and show myself once again that I can accomplish a goal that I set for myself. Always remember that you have all the control you need to mold your life the way you want it.