Stay Strong

This last month has been the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life. Let me begin by telling you what led up to this. In October, after my round of fertility medicine didn’t work I decided to start taking some vitamins that I have researched to be beneficial for PCOS. I started taking B12 Complex, Magnesium, Vitamin D, Biotin, and my prenatal. In November and December I could tell they were working. I had physical signs that had improved by taking them and I knew I was going to get pregnant.

In December I found out that my sister was expecting. I know for all those who have never dealt with infertility or baby loss will think the next sentence is very insensitive, but I don’t really care. When I found out I was sad and mad. I was sad because it was me who was doing fertility treatments and it was me who has been trying for years to have a baby. I was mad because it wasn’t me who was pregnant. Not only was I mad about that, but I was mad at myself for feeling this way. I knew I should be happy and I felt so guilty that I wasn’t. I love my sister and I am happy for her.

On New Years Eve I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be safe. The first one I took had a very faint line. I freaked out! Then I started reading online that the blue dye tests are notorious for giving evaporation lines, so I started second guessing it. I stopping by Wal-Mart after work and got some First Response tests. I took one that night and it was completely negative. I was bummed. That night I got the news that Nate’s sister was also expecting. Again all those feelings of guilt and sadness occurred. I can’t help it.

I took another test the following morning with first morning urine and it was still negative. I was completely bummed but moved past it and figured we’d try again when we had money for another round of meds. Fast forward 5 days and I still had not started so I took another test but I was sure that it would be negative and that the vitamins had just messed with my cycle. The first test I took had 2 very pink lines. I was pregnant. About 10 tests later I finally believed it!

Since I am high risk due to my recurrent miscarriages, the doctor got me in for blood work right away. He confirmed that day that my levels were high and that I was pregnant. The following week I had my first ultrasound. They could see the gestational sac but nothing else. It was still very early so they figured they’d give me a few more days to grow. I went back in and they were able to see the yolk sac and the start of a small fetal pole. I was thrilled because I had never gotten far enough to see anything before. I just knew that this was the real deal. I was finally going to be a mom.

I’ve been having symptoms that I have never had before. Sore boobs, fatique, some queasiness, and hungry all the time. I was feeling so confident, until yesterday. I woke up to get ready for work and went to the bathroom. When I wiped there it was…. The worst possible sight to any pregnant person, but more importantly to someone who has done it all before…. Blood. I knew immediately what was happening, I was losing my baby again. The doctor’s office told me to stay off my feet and if they bleeding got worse or I started cramping to call them. I felt fine for the most part all day but around 8 PM I started cramping and bleeding worse.

This morning I called them to let them know that I was bleeding and I knew I was miscarrying. They got me in at 11 for an ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound confirmed the inevitable. Nothing had progressed since my previous ultrasound and it was not a viable pregnancy.  The doctor was just finishing up an egg retrieval for IVF on a patient so the nurse gave me the option to wait for her or they would call me that afternoon with further instructions. My mom came with me so we decided to wait for the doctor and talk to her face to face.

About 30 minutes later the doctor finally came in to the room and discussed the next steps. She recommended that I undergo a D&C so they can send the tissue in for genetic testing. I held it together in the office but I wanted to fall apart. I wanted to cry the whole time but unfortunately I’m use to acting tough and held together. I’m so thankful that my mom was there with me. Isn’t it funny how no matter how old we get we still want our mom’s when we’re sick or hurting?

Tomorrow I go in to have the baby that I so desperately want taken out of me. On one hand I want to get it over with, but on the other I just want to stay pregnant longer. It truly doesn’t get any easier. In fact it gets harder. I’m so mad at everything. I am mad that my body that I’ve worked so hard on the last few years can’t even do the one thing that it’s meant to do. What really scares me though is I’m mad at God. I really don’t understand his lesson in this at all.

I don’t want to hear anymore “it will happen when it’s supposed to happen” or “maybe your body just isn’t meant to carry a child, there’s other ways to have a baby”. I’m full aware of the options. Believe me, I’ve done more research than you can imagine. For now, I need to grieve in my own way. I need to cry, be angry, be sad, and distance myself. That’s how I handle it. I know that to some this not be the “right” way but its how I will do it. I’ll grieve and be sad for a while but I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.

Once we get the genetic tests back we’ll be able to make better decisions as to what steps to take next in starting our family. I just have to keep asking myself, when is it okay to give up? I’ve never been a quitter but I’m almost to that point. Right now I emotionally cannot handle another loss. I’m done.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned through the loss that I’ve endured over the years, it’s that my support system is amazing. I have the most amazing family, friends, and honestly the sweetest most genuine husband on the planet. The things that he says to me for comfort are all perfect and exactly what I need to hear. One day Nate and I will have our perfect little family, it may not be the way we imagined but it’ll happen. Until then I’ve just got to stay strong.