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Two Waiting Hearts

We Have So Much Love To Give

3/1/2015

3 Comments

 

Baby loss is a weird thing. It’s something that people are sad for but don’t quite understand. They are sad for you because they know it’s hard. They are sad for you because they were excited when they heard the news. And they are sad because a loved one is hurting. The thing with this is they never really know how sad you are. People who have never went through baby loss/miscarriage will never fully understand the magnitude of the sadness that you feel.

I’ve been feeling distant and alone for the past week. I feel completely alone because even my husband doesn’t understand how sad I really am about it. Sure he’s been there when I completely and emotionally break down in the kitchen and he holds me while I sob at night, but he doesn’t get it. No one gets the fact that I have constant reminders of the happiness I felt just a few short weeks ago and nobody gets that all day every day I have a constant reminder of the emptiness I feel. I’m reminded in movies, music, billboards on my way to work, every single time I go to the store, and every single time I get on any social media site. It’s something I cannot get away from, ever.

I was really hoping that after my appointment on Wednesday that I’d come out of the slump I’ve been in. I got answers regarding the reason why I miscarried, but I still feel like I have so many things unanswered. I know the baby tested for Trisomy 4, but why? Was this same cause for my 3 other losses? Will every single pregnancy end in this horror? Will I ever have a healthy baby that I’ll be able to hold?

I think this one has been the hardest on me. Not only because I felt so confident that everything was going to be okay and it wasn’t, but because we confirmed the baby inside me was actually a baby by getting genetic testing. The baby had its own genes and it was growing in me for 3 short weeks. I’m now convinced that there is life immediately after conception.

Baby loss is a weird thing. It causes you to experience feelings you’ve never felt before. It causes you to look at life differently. It causes you to re-evaluate the important things in life. It makes you realize the people who are truly there for you. It causes you to become a better person because you realize just how much love you are capable of giving someone who you only knew for a very short time. 

3 Comments
angie
3/26/2015 01:02:41 pm

This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I totally relate to that feeling of aloneness that comes with miscarriage. Its a strange thing isnt it? To have friends and family and know your loved but yet feel so alone in your grief. Hang in there with the fertility treatments. I have PCOS too and it took 2 years but I ended up with triplets who are now 6. I'll be praying for you. Good luck in your journey.

Reply
Whitney Benson
3/26/2015 01:14:51 pm

Thank you so much for your sweet comment! It's so hard dealing with miscarriage but knowing others do understand makes it a bit easier. Triplets?! How fun! Thanks for the glimmer of hope :)

Reply
Lisa
4/16/2015 12:55:26 am

Hi Whitney -

Just found your blog after researching PCOS and carb cycling...I'm so sorry about your losses. After having a little boy 6 years ago, I'm currently dealing with secondary infertility, and trying to change my body. Hang in there, there is always hope!

Reply



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     Hi my name is Whitney and I'm a mom to 2 adorable boys and the wife to a sports loving, handsome man. I'm outnumbered but wouldn't have it any other way. I'm navigating motherhood one fart joke at a time. Welcome to my crazy life!​

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