We Have So Much Love To Give

Baby loss is a weird thing. It’s something that people are sad for but don’t quite understand. They are sad for you because they know it’s hard. They are sad for you because they were excited when they heard the news. And they are sad because a loved one is hurting. The thing with this is they never really know how sad you are. People who have never went through baby loss/miscarriage will never fully understand the magnitude of the sadness that you feel.

I’ve been feeling distant and alone for the past week. I feel completely alone because even my husband doesn’t understand how sad I really am about it. Sure he’s been there when I completely and emotionally break down in the kitchen and he holds me while I sob at night, but he doesn’t get it. No one gets the fact that I have constant reminders of the happiness I felt just a few short weeks ago and nobody gets that all day every day I have a constant reminder of the emptiness I feel. I’m reminded in movies, music, billboards on my way to work, every single time I go to the store, and every single time I get on any social media site. It’s something I cannot get away from, ever.

I was really hoping that after my appointment on Wednesday that I’d come out of the slump I’ve been in. I got answers regarding the reason why I miscarried, but I still feel like I have so many things unanswered. I know the baby tested for Trisomy 4, but why? Was this same cause for my 3 other losses? Will every single pregnancy end in this horror? Will I ever have a healthy baby that I’ll be able to hold?

I think this one has been the hardest on me. Not only because I felt so confident that everything was going to be okay and it wasn’t, but because we confirmed the baby inside me was actually a baby by getting genetic testing. The baby had its own genes and it was growing in me for 3 short weeks. I’m now convinced that there is life immediately after conception.

Baby loss is a weird thing. It causes you to experience feelings you’ve never felt before. It causes you to look at life differently. It causes you to re-evaluate the important things in life. It makes you realize the people who are truly there for you. It causes you to become a better person because you realize just how much love you are capable of giving someone who you only knew for a very short time.