October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. It’s something that I wish nobody had to become aware of, but unfortunately it’s a growing statistic that needs talked about. If you’ve followed me for a while you are all familiar with my miscarriage history. I don’t want to get too far into details about it but I do want to share some of the impact it has had on me, personally.
Since September 15th 2016, after losing our 6th baby at 14 weeks I’ve had PTSD. I can’t see pictures of stillborn babies without having severe anxiety. I can’t hear the sound of a heart beat without my heart stopping and having to tell myself to breath. Even while waiting for Rhett to be born, the sound of his heart beat was beautiful but still really hard to hear. I still to this day can’t think about trying to get pregnant again without getting anxious and sad.
Miscarriage has and will affect my life forever. I may never carry another child. It may be as easy as a surgical procedure that would allow my body to carry (We haven’t had that confirmed but it’s a possibility) or I may actually never have the opportunity at all. Either way, I am not so sure I even care about being able to carry or give birth anymore. Adopting Rhett has changed my idea of obtaining motherhood.
I have learned a few things after losing 6 pregnancies. I’ve learned that those who love you will show it. They’ll be there for you with a hug, flowers, words. It doesn’t matter how they show it, if they love you they’ll be there. I’ve realized that you can love someone without ever meeting them. I’ve learned that faith in God is sometimes the hardest thing to have. I have also realized that even when you don’t believe in Gods timing, he’s still working on you. I’ve come to know that being spiritual and religious are two completely different things. Watching Gods work play out in order to have Rhett in my life is by far the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s more than alright to take time for yourself. Grieve how you grieve. Be angry, sad, happy, and then angry again. Step back and spend time alone with your safe people or completely alone if that’s what you want. After you’re done with the initial grieving process, reflect back on those people who were there for you. Remember to keep them close. When you start to feel yourself pull away, do it. You don’t need to make excuses for it. Those who love you will understand. It’s okay to not be okay but remember you will fine. You will never be the same again. You will always have a piece of you missing.
You will eventually become stronger. You'll see the world differently and you'll know without a doubt that there is nothing that this world can throw at you that you wouldn't be able to handle. There is no one stronger than a woman who has lost a child, losing a piece of herself with her.
Wife and Mom! I love all things fitness, nature, and design inspired. Infertility warrior and new mom through adoption. Living this busy life the best way possible!