One year ago

Am I the only one who forgets dates I should remember, but remembers dates I wish I could forget? I swear my brain won’t shut off lately no matter how much I try to make it. Today marks 1 year that I miscarried for the 3rd time. While I remember every time it has happened, this one is still so fresh and hurts. I remember every single thing about that day and it makes me so sad to relive it.

I remember waking up that morning going to bathroom and seeing blood rush onto the floor. I remember the horrible cramping and contractions. I remember feeling completely lost. That was seriously one of the worst days of my life but as I look back I realize that good things did come from it.

That day and the days following it has made me completely certain that Nate is without a doubt the man of my dreams. The way he reacted to the miscarriage confirmed that he cares so much for me and that is something that I never felt before. I don’t think he even realizes how much his actions are embedded into my mind, but I’ll never forget the feeling of love I felt that day. He felt so guilty going to work that day, but he had just got a promotion and I knew there was nothing he could do at home, so I made him go. He called and text constantly, making sure I knew he would come home If I needed him. That means more to me than anything, knowing that he’ll always be there for no matter what.

That whole experience has reinforced the lesson I’ve always known, that there is something good to come from most situations. Does it mean that the situation hurts any less, no, but as long as we were taught a lesson that we can use throughout life it can make it that much easier to handle.

Coming home from my family Christmas party on Saturday, Nate and I decided that we want to start treatment again next month. It’s something we both feel is best. I just have this feeling that I am supposed to be trying. I don’t like feeling that I’m not giving something my all and I like to trust my woman’s intuition. I know that it doesn’t mean I’ll necessarily get pregnant this round, but I’ll feel better knowing are giving it %100.

Last night, as we were laying in bed I had a breakdown. I couldn't stop crying because every memory kept flooding over me. Nate wrapped his arms around me and said "Babe you can't give up. That's one of the things I love most about you, you don't let anything stop you." Seriously, the most perfect thing he could have said. I woke up feeling much better and open minded. I know what it's like to give up on everything and I know what it's like to fight for everything. I like the fight "never give up" option much better.

So whether this round results in pregnancy or with another negative and more disappointment, I’ll try to figure out the lesson that was taught and stay as positive as I can. The best way to handle any curve ball that life throws at you is with positivity.