Fight and Surrender

Last week we met with our IVF coordinator and got the paperwork needed to start our upcoming cycle. If all goes good, we will be retrieving and transferring late June. It’s so exciting but so scary. I remember feeling torn like this when we started our last IVF cycle. It’s like my emotions are so crazy that I can’t even tell how I’m feeling one minute to the next.

I go from being so thankful to be able to proceed with another round of IVF to completely devastated that I even have to go through another round. I am grateful that we found a donor who is willing to help us in such a tremendous way but then start feeling sad that I might never have a child with my DNA. I’m excited that we found the funding to start the cycle, yet completed stressed out that it won’t work and we will be in debt for nothing.

There are so many times that I play the “why me” card because reality is infertility sucks. It’s a battle that you fight every day from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep. It’s a battle that you feel like you’re finally going to win, only to be left in defeat when you start your cycle or don’t see the 2 pink lines. Infertility is a war against your emotions, hormones, finances, and sanity. It’s breaking into tears when you’re at the grocery store and see a distressed mother trying to calm her screaming baby and you can’t help but think you’d do anything to her. It’s being filled with anger when you hear moms complain about the small things when all you want to do is shake them and remind them just how lucky they are. It’s feeling empty all the time and it’s feeling completely alone through the whole thing.

I’m going into this round prepared to fight but I’m also ready to surrender. If this round fails I’m done. I’m done with injections, doctors, medicine, bloodwork, ultrasounds, running up my credit cards, and weighing myself down with the stress. No matter how negative that may sound, I have to remind myself all that I have fought over the last 10 years. Knowing that I’ve battled infertility and recurring miscarriages for 9 years now, been through a bad marriage, divorce, and countless other trials only makes me realize that I am a warrior. I might surrender now but I’ll never give up.
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Through all the bad things that infertility has put me through, I can honestly say that I know without a doubt that I would not be the person I am today because of it. I’ve been taught how to be resilient in the face of defeat. I’ve learned to not judge others specifically being judgmental towards others decisions or others ways of grieving through hard times.  I’ve learned to always trust your instincts. I’ve been reminded time and time again that true friendships outlast anything. I’ve gained more love and respect for my family because they are always there for me even when I don’t attend birthday parties or family functions because it’s too hard being around the babies. Infertility has taught me what really matters and for that I will always be thankful.