Day By Day

It dawned on me that I have not really updated you all on what happened after our last miscarriage. About a week after our miscarriage I went in to see my doctor for our WTF appointment---basically “why the freak” did this happen again appointment. He is amazing and met me after work at 6 pm (which he doesn’t usually do) so we could go over what had happened. After explaining my symptoms and how the miscarriage played out we made a game plan for the next cycle if/when we decide to try again.
Based off the signs I had leading up to the miscarriage he believes that the sub chorionic hematoma basically irritated the sac enough that it caused it to rupture and put me into preterm labor. That is what the pop and gush of fluids was about an hour before I miscarried. Blood is an irritant (that is why we get cramps during our menstrual cycle) and that is what was causing my cramping that day. He also didn't want to rule out an incompetent cervix.  It was great to hear answers on the reasons why I physically lost the baby, but I still wanted answers on what is going to make this never happen again.
Obviously, I know things happen during all parts of life that are beyond anyone’s control, even fertility specialists! I know that no matter how many precautions we take things can still take a turn for the worse, but I want to go into whatever we decide to do knowing I’ve done all that I can. I let my Doctor know my concerns and he was just as concerned so he went through my whole chart over again and triple checked everything.  Years of going to the clinic means that’s a lot of stuff to go over! I was supposed to schedule another water ultrasound and physical exam the following month, but never did. I guess I haven't been ready to think about all of it yet.
So here is what we will do next time… if we decide to move forward. As of right now, we are up in the air on how to continue to build our family. We have 6 frozen embryos so we have a few more chances. If I do decide to try again I will remain on progesterone shots throughout the whole pregnancy, I’ll be adding a blood thinner injection (not sure if it will be Lovenox or Heparin), and I’ll be doing Intralipid infusions starting at the time of transfer and every month for the remaining pregnancy. I’m so overwhelmed with the thought of the physical toll this will take on me. I still have knots and numbness on my backside from the PIO shots from our last cycle and I’ve seen pictures of the bruising that the blood thinners cause. It’s kind of scary!
Nate and I have strongly been considering using a gestational carrier. We are to the point that we just want to be parents no matter how we have the child. Parts of me feels like it’s the best decision and might be the easiest route, but another part of me doesn’t want to give up on carrying our child. Asking someone to do that is also extremely nerve wracking. There is so much more that goes into the process than what one would think. It requires the carrier to pass a physical exam, counseling for her and her partner, legal documents, etc. On the other side, I know Nate is concerned about me going through another miscarriage. He's made it clear that with each one he worries about me more and more. I think this last one scared him pretty bad. We’ve been talking, praying, and waiting on our answer. I won’t make any decision until we are 100% sure it’s how we are meant to proceed.
Until we have made our decision we will keep taking it day by day. Some days I feel fine, no crying or anxiety, but others I feel like I’m in a daze and just going through the motions. I’ve been reading books and practicing more self-care to try and help me get through it. Every day is a new day to make progress and I truly am thankful for each day to become a better person.