Last night I went to an amazing concert! It was MercyMe, Crowder, and Micah Tyler all of which are Christian singers/bands. It was my first concert of this genre and it was so fun! It really got me thinking of my own spirituality or lack thereof, depending on how you want to view it. For the longest time I was lost and unsure of what I believed in. That was until just over 2 years ago. One moment changed my outlook of life completely.
One day I was having an extremely hard time at work. I was nearing my “would have been, due date” and was very emotional. I felt restless and unable to concentrate at work so I decided to take an early lunch break and went to a quiet park. I needed to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. At this park there is a pathway around a little lake, so I decided to walk a few laps around to release some nervous energy. Nate and I had just started really discussing adoption plans. I had been thinking about it for a while, but at this time it was now starting to be a real plan, and the nerves were getting the best of me. I remember vividly asking myself over and over if I was strong enough. Would I be able to follow through with this plan? Did I have enough love in me to give strangers? Am I capable of asking for help from others to help us? Is my pride too much? I battled these thoughts for a good hour, weighing all my options. As I gathered my strength to head back to work, I took one more lap around the lake before heading back to my car. About ½ way around the lake, I heard a voice say “You are strong enough. Keep in this direction”. I know this sounds crazy, but the voice was so strong I literally stopped in my tracks and looked behind me. That moment changed my life forever.
After that day at the lake, I looked at my life differently. It confirmed that adoption was our right path to parenthood. That path was the hardest and most rewarding journey of my life. Our son has blessed us in so many ways. More than I can still fathom. But it wasn’t just him that changed me. The way I looked at myself changed because I knew that God didn’t care of my sins or my religious standing. That day at the lake was the first time I have ever soul searched for him and he answered… big time!
For a really long time I felt unworthy. I felt because I was not an active church member and didn’t participate in church services regularly, or ever, that I was lost. I felt as if my lifestyle (enjoying a glass of wine every now and then) made me unworthy of a relationship with God. I partly blame that on the strong religious views our state holds, but mostly it was an internal struggle for me. I cared way too much what others thought about me, when in fact the only person I should ever try to please is myself and the big man upstairs.
I know a lot of people go through times where they feel lost. If you are feeling lost because your religion standards aren’t as high as you or your peers believe they should be, start soul searching. Start becoming more spiritual, not religious. I can promise you that you’ll find a piece of yourself that you never knew existed. For me I found myself and my son, both of which I thank God for every single day.
Hi my name is Whitney and I'm a mom to 2 adorable boys. Here you'll find our story of infertility, adoption, grief, and hope. I'm an open book so you'll never know what I'll post next!