Blog Posts

Tackling obstacles by faith

3/13/2016

Feeling defeated in many ways lately. We’ve been saving money and every day we’re getting closer to our goal. We are hoping to be able to start our donor cycle the end of April or May but it seems like the closer we get the more anxious I’m getting. Not an excited anxious but a depressed anxious. Staying optimistic during such a huge time in our lives is so hard when we have everything riding on this. I think the reality of it all has really set in. We are putting all of our eggs (well not technically) in one basket.
Infertility has a funny way of stepping aside and letting you live your life and then sneaking up on you super-fast to remind you of the void in your life. It’s kind of like “Hey you have a pretty amazing life. Perfect family, amazing husband, awesome friends. Oh but wait, don’t forget… you can’t make a baby!” Infertility is such a bitch.
Women are naturally built to want to conceive and carry a child. We long for it. When that experience doesn’t seem attainable the guilt sets in. I feel guilty every day knowing that not only am I putting myself through such an intense experience, I’m also putting my husband and family through it too. I see the way my hubby is with our nieces and nephews and I know he will be the most amazing dad when that time comes. I watch my nieces and nephews growing up and can’t help but feel sad that my child might not ever have a cousin close in age. I just hope that when they do get a new baby cousin they’ll be his/her biggest protectors and best friends.
There’s so many things in life that make me step back and really question my endurance and courage. I know I have no choice but to keep my faith that it will work out. What if it doesn’t? But what if it does? I can only imagine the feeling we’ll have when our courage is finally rewarded.

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Spread the love

2/10/2016

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Last week my sister started a gofundme account for our fertility costs. This was such a hard decision to make and honestly I felt extremely uncomfortable with it. I have had a mix of emotions since the fund has started. I’ve had family, friends, and complete strangers donate their money. Believe me when I say that Nate and I do not take this lightly. We are so grateful for those who have donated and shared our post. I was at work when I got word that donations were coming in and when I saw the amounts and names of those donating I broke into tears.

I wanted to set the record straight on a few things. Nate and I are fully aware of the need for adoption. If you’ve read my last blog entry you’ll know that we looked into for a few months. We paid for background checks and paperwork needed, but there is something holding us back that is personal and quite frankly, I don’t feel the need to discuss what it is. Like I’ve stated before, adoption is a beautiful thing. I am amazed at the strength and compassion that goes into being an adoptive parent. At this time it’s not in our future, but we all know how things change so quickly.

I also wanted to let everyone know what we’ve done up to this point to pay for our fertility costs. I know how it is to be hesitant to donate to someone if you don’t know what they’ve done to help themselves first. Last year alone we’ve taken money from our parents, maxed out credit cards, looked into refinancing our home which is not possible right now unfortunately, and saved every penny we could. We’ve cut back on anything that is not necessity. I look at some people who have done multiple rounds of IVF and wonder how they do it so easily, but then I remember every person has a different situation. Ours unfortunately has already taken all that we have.

To help pay for our upcoming costs, we have started making pallet signs to sale. I will start getting pictures up on my Facebook and Instagram accounts so you can purchase those if you want. For now I’ll just be making them beforehand, but might start making custom orders depending on the demand for it. My friend is also going to start making some cute bath salts and other fun craft projects to help towards our IVF Fund. Aren’t friends amazing to have?!

I started this blog at first as a way to help others with weight loss, mostly focusing on those with PCOS because it adds such an emotional toll to it, but it’s changed into something so much more. I feel like because of my honesty on the blog I’ve been able to open the eyes of those who have never been affected by infertility. I have also received so many messages from those who are struggling with it, but are not quite as open as me, who thank me for sharing what I do. I appreciate that so much because I second guess posting a lot of what I do. I try not to care what people think, but at times I worry that people feel like I post for attention which I promise I don’t. There are times I wish I could go back and never start the blog and live my life more secretive but then I think of the blessings that have come from sharing my story and I know it was meant to happen.

I just want to tell all my followers, friends, and family that your kind words of support, monetary donations, and prayers mean the world to me. I’ve gone back so many times to messages and comments that I’ve received and they’ve helped me remain positive on days I didn’t feel like myself. Because of your effect on my life I try harder every day to make the lives of those around me better. With all the hate in the world right now, it's nice to see that there are still amazing, unselfish people willing to help others. I'm so inspired right now. Again, thank you.

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Refocus

1/31/2016

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The last couple of months have definitely been months of refocus. Since our failed cycle in November we really wanted to take some time to digest what happened and figure out how we need to continue. It was so needed and I’m so glad we waited instead of jumping into anything. I guess I can’t say I didn’t jump into anything because right away started researching and getting any information about what steps would be best for our situation. I drive Nate crazy sometimes with all my “research” but I know deep down he loves me for it!

Immediately after the failed cycle, I told Nate I was done. I was emotionally, physically, and mentally just exhausted. The stress that infertility puts on a person has proven to be the same as those going through cancer. It gnaws and gnaws at you until you break. Because at that point in time I was at my breaking point I decided to move forward and really look into adoption. This is where I jumped right in….

We looked into agency’s and homestudy reps. We got out background checks, child abuse clearances, and all other needed paperwork. We even scheduled an appointment for the homestudy rep to come into our home to begin the process. But before we made it to the appointment I had a feeling that I needed to talk to my doctor again before I make the decision. I had only talked to him over the phone right after they called to tell me about the end of our last cycle. I needed to know that I had tried everything to carry a child before I moved on to adoption. We are not completely giving up on the idea. The more I’ve researched adoption and read personal stories, the more I love the idea. It’s an amazing blessing!

I called my doctors’ office expecting it to be another month or so before we could meet with him because he’s always super busy running between all of his clinics but to my surprise he had a cancellation and could get me in 4 days. AWESOME!! I met with him on Tuesday of this week to go over what happened and why it happened. He basically told me that what happened with the eggs on our cycle was either caused by genetics or something that has happened to my body during my lifetime. It could be endometriosis that has clung to my ovaries or it could have been a Pelvic infection that I didn’t even know I had causing the eggs to be affected. The thing is we will probably never know what has caused my eggs to not work right. Based off of the family history we do know of, we don’t see any link to it being genetics, but who knows? Basically it’s best to move forward with something we can control.

At this point we have 2 options, go through IVF again, adjust the meds a bit, and hope for a better outcome or we move to IVF with Donor Eggs. Nathan and I had already discussed the use of donor eggs and we both agreed we are open to it. My DR let me know that his success rate with the use of donor eggs is 80%. Those are insanely good odds! He is really confident that this is our best bet. EVERYTHING he’s tested me for has come back normal. Hormonally I’m balanced and physically I’m in great “child rearing” form. All my miscarriages, years of negatives, and failed cycles all point to one culprit…. Bad eggs.

I took the packet home and shared all the information with Nate and we’ve decided to move forward with the use of donor eggs. We are so excited! I have never gone into a cycle feeling more optimistic. The fact that the baby can still be genetically tied to us really puts my mind at ease. I can’t wait to see a little Nate running around the house (I’ll probably be eating those words after it actually happens ;)

So at this time it’s back to drawing board on how to afford the treatments. I really kind of jumped in to the last IVF cycle so we are going to have to take our time and save as much money as possible before we move forward with the treatments. One thing I do know is all of the time we put into fundraisers or the money saved by not doing anything fun is going to be so worth it. I can’t give up on this dream of ours. I already feel a motherly instinct to not give up on my babies and I’ll do whatever it takes.

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IVF Journey

12/10/2015

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When they tell you that IVF is time consuming, energy draining, and overwhelming they mean it. I think I’ve experienced every single emotion possible lately. I’ve kept a diary of what happened during the stim and retrieval period. I’m so happy I’ve done this because I always want to remember what I’ve gone through to have a baby!

November 2nd- Baseline ultrasound. Everything looked great. My hormone levels were normal. Given the thumbs up to start injections tomorrow morning. I was feeling super anxious at this moment because I had no idea what to expect from the medications. Would they make me a raging lunatic? Were they painful?

November 3rd- Started 300 Follistim and 1 powder of Menopur. I decided to takes these while I was getting ready for work in the mornings. I didn’t realize that I would be adding an additional 15 minutes to my morning regimen that day. I felt flustered and unorganized that morning so I decided that night I would somehow get organization to the mess I’ve made in our bathroom! The shots were not bad at all. The anticipation is a lot worse than the actual shot. The Menopur does sting a bit after injection. At about 10AM (I take the shots at 6:45) I started getting a horrible headache.

November 4th- Took the same dosage of meds above. I was able to organize my “work” area and it made things so much easier. I just used an old makeup organizer that I had sitting in my closet and it was perfect! I woke up with a headache and it lasted all day. I started feeling some pulls and twinges around my ovaries as well.

November 5th- I noticed this day my headache started to get better but I was definitely way more moody! I had an attitude with my coworker which is not like me at all J I had a blood draw at 8am to check my Estrogen level. They called that afternoon and said it looked great. When I got off the phone with the nurse I started crying over the news of my bloodwork. I was really worried about my estrogen levels because I have PCOS so I’m always testosterone dominant. The news of a good estrogen level made me feel way more hopeful.

November 6-7TH- I didn’t have a headache anymore and overall felt pretty well. I was little worried because I wanted to feel SOMETHING!

November 8th- First follicle check! I was nervous and excited. I love seeing the little black blobs on the screen. We counted 15 follicles. 10 on the left, 5 on the right ovary. For some reason I was expecting more so I felt a little defeated when they told me the number. The nurses assured me that it was great and not to worry. I had a couple dominant follicles so they put me on Ganarelix to prevent me from ovulating. The bigger the follicles the more mature the egg will be so they want them as big as possible without overstimulating. I got home around 2 and took the shot of Ganarelix. It is not as easy as the other injections. The needle isn’t as sharp so you have to push harder to pierce the skin, but once it’s in it isn’t bad.

November 9th- I started feeling a lot more action going on in my ovarian area! My lower back was crampy and felt like my period would be starting. Hoping this was a good feeling to have! Up until this point I didn’t feel like I was being emotional or anything but that changed last night. I was eating a piece of cake and Nate simply asked me if there was going to be more for him. I took it as him calling me a pig and blew up. I went up to our room and cried for a good 30 minutes then realized that I was being a bit overdramatic. When I went back down stairs he immediately hugged me and kissed my forehead… all was forgiven J

November 10th- Follicle check at 8:30 AM. My clinic is about a 30 minute drive so every appointment cuts into my work schedule. I am super blessed to work for a company that allows me to have flexibility. At this check the nurse was really pleased with my progress. I had over 20 follicles and all were looking very promising. I was so excited! Our healthy, beautiful baby has to be in there right?! Ahh!! I was told to take one more dose of injections and come back the next day for an ultrasound. I was extremely crampy and getting really uncomfortable. It felt like growing pains in my lower back, hips, and upper legs.

November 11th- Follicle check at 8:00 AM. My follicles are still looking good, however my E2 level was not as high as they would have thought with the amount of follicles I have. It was only at 950. They instructed me to take another dose of injections and come back the next morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork.

November 12th- Follicle check at 8:45AM. Follicles are large and the nurse said she was pretty sure the doctor would want to trigger me based on the size, but still wasn’t sure due to my E2 levels. My follicles were ranging from 22-17mm and my E2 level was now at 1120. They would let me know that afternoon after the doctor looked at my numbers when they returned from the lab. The wait is killing me and I just want it to be over with. The last couple of days I’ve really been in a funk. I don’t know if I’m sad, worried, depressed, anxious, or all of the above but I just can’t get myself to be happy. It’s really starting to drain the life right out of me. Got the call and triggered at 11PM!

November 13th- Day after the trigger. I could definitely feel a lot of stuff going! I was getting more bloated by the hour.

November 14th- Retrieval Day! We checked in at 10:30 AM. I couldn’t eat or drink anything after 3am the night before so I was really only feeling hungry at that point. I was excited and pretty calm. At 11 the anesthesiologist hooked me up to an IV and I was out. I seriously love the feeling of being put under. I would do it every night if it was safe to! The procedure itself took about 35 minutes. When I was walked back to the recovery room Nate was able to join me there to wait for the doctor. About 10 minutes later my doctor came in to tell me how it went. They retrieved 32 eggs! We knew they wouldn’t all be mature based off of my estrogen levels but I was still surprised by the number. We went home and I lounged around all day. I was a bit crampy but nothing too bad.

November 15th- I woke up pretty crampy and bloated. Nate ran to his parents’ house for a couple hours but I chose to stay home and relax and wait for our fertilization report. They called me around 2 and let me know that out of the 32 retrieved eggs that 17 were mature and 10 of those fertilized correctly. I was a bit disappointed by the number. I was just hoping for as many as possible so the odds were in our favor more. I just keep thinking, we only need 1 to become parents!

November 16th- Today has been absolutely awful. I am so uncomfortable and bloated to the point that I can’t stand up straight. I was told to take some miralax and drink a lot of smart water.

November 17th- Day 3 Assessment! We had a total of 14 end up fertilized and 9 of those were between 6-8 cells. Exactly where they needed to be right now! We were elated!! I was still feeling pretty lousy but not quite as bad. Our neighbors made us some chicken noodle soup and homemade rosemary bread. It really meant so much to me!

November 18 and 19th- Day 5 assessment the 19th. We had 7 embryos that were almost to blastocyst stage which is where they need to be to freeze and perform PGS on it. They informed that they’d give them another day to progress. I was really bummed and felt this was the end of the road for us. Nate was really good at helping me stay optimistic.

November 20th- I was a nervous wreck all day and kept my phone glued to my hip. By the time 5:00 PM hit I figured they weren’t calling me for an update. No news is good news right? I left work and was going to pick up a pizza for dinner when my phone rang. My heart was in my throat. The embryologist let me know that all of my embryos had arrested and quit growing. My world crashed. I thanked him for his call, pulled in to the pizzeria, paid for our pizza and drove home. I didn’t break down until I got home and realized I had to tell Nate once again that I let him down. It was a really hard day.

That’s it. That is my IVF journey. Not what I was hoping for and I’m still pretty bitter about the whole thing.

My semi-organized med station

The bloat was unreal! I was so uncomfortable and depressed that I didn't fit into my pants. The mental struggle is very much real when going through IVF.

Waiting for the retrieval. I am so lucky to have this man by my side :)

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Enjoy the Ride

10/29/2015

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Some days are definitely easier than others. Today is not an easy day. I’m not even sure why I’m having a hard time dealing with things today, but yesterday I was fine and nothing has changed since then. The hardest part of infertility is the unknown and the unanswered questions.

Last week Nate and I met with our IVF coordinator to get the ball rolling with our schedule. We were given our specific protocol which includes the medicine I'll be taking, what pharmacy they go through, the dates it will tentatively start, and financial options. There was so much information to take in. I felt optimistic and excited after the appointment. I always feel good when I leave the office because I feel like I’m taking a step closer to the final result.
Today I started really looking into our options to financially afford this procedure. We are looking at anywhere between $12,000-$24,000 to go through with IVF. We have a mortgage, car payments, living expenses, etc and to add this on to it really makes me anxious. What if we put so much money and time into it and it doesn’t work out? Why is this something that I am having to go through? Am I strong enough to deal with it?

Today I sat at work and cried during lunch. I left work, called my dad, cried a whole lot more. Got home, talked to Nate, got emotional but didn’t cry, then I started watching a sports show about blind children who go to a sports camp every summer and turned into a blubbering mess all over again. Poor Nate doesn’t know what to do with me when I get like this, but all it takes is him to hold me. His hugs honestly help with everything!

I felt like giving up today. I didn’t even make dinner or go to the gym. I was physically and emotionally drained. If I’m so stressed out already, is it even worth it? Are the days of multiple shots to the stomach, hormones going crazy, thousands of dollars, small surgical procedures, test and ultrasounds every other day, really worth it? Without a doubt they are. I will do anything to be a mom. If this IVF doesn’t work out, we will move forward with adoption. I have to know that I gave my all in order to give us a biological child before I look into the adoption route. It’s a personal choice that we are comfortable with.

For all those reading this who have gone through IVF or are in the same boat as me, I would love some friendly words of encouragement, advice, and many prayers/good vibes sent my way. Heaven knows if I’m ready for the rollercoaster journey coming my way, but I’m going to give it my all!

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PCOS, MTHFR, And Hope!

8/23/2015

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Hey all, I decided it was time for an update! Since my last blog post some things have changed and questions were answered. On July 15th, Nate and I met with my RE to go over options for our next step in our fertility journey. We went over everything in detail and the doctor answer a lot of questions. He ordered a ton of blood work to test for pretty much everything. About 3 weeks after that consultation the nurse called me around 5pm to let me know that the doctor wanted to go over the results in person or on the phone. I opted for a phone call since I couldn't miss any more work. He called that next morning at 7:30 AM to let me know what they found.

The doctor let me know that the results were all normal except one, the MTHFR gene mutation. He explained it as my body not being able to convert Folic Acid and other B Vitamins. He informed me that because of the mutation my body stores all the Folic Acid and basically turning it into a toxin so I can't take Folic Acid anymore. Wait.... isn't Folic Acid the most preached about vitamin during preconception and pregnancy? Yeah it is. So what am I supposed to do?

What I didn't know was Folic Acid is a synthetic form of Folate which is naturally made and absorbed by our bodies. The only real change that this causes is taking vitamins with Folate, preferably Methylated, and avoid eating foods with Folic acid in it. It's in a ton of foods like breads, pastas, anything that's fortified like boxed cakes, bisquits, etc. This is going to be super hard because organic food is so expensive and this girl loves carbs! I've switched my multivitamin to a raw one with all natural forms of vitamins and minerals and have started really reading food labels more closely.

When the doctor told me the news I had already starting making the switch because my sister told me about the MTHFR gene mutation before and I was pretty sure that I had it based off of the symptoms.
*Migraines
*Gastrointestinal problems like IBS
*Miscarriages
*Thyroid problems
*And so many more!
My thyroid was low again so we switched up my medication and the dosage. Basically, my body is in pure chaos and it's driving me crazy! I do feel better now that we have switched things up and found more answers though.

The doctor advised us to proceed with an IFV cycle with PGD. He really stressed the importance of the Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis to finalize all testing we've done. Where at least one miscarriage was caused by a genetic abnormality this is the best choice for us.

Since my last miscarriage, Nate and I have decided to stop "trying" for a while and just relax and enjoy each other. We've planned a trip to Cancun in September and after that it will be full on babymaking again! We are both scared but optimistic that this will all work out. The money aspect is a huge stress factor for us, but we are both set on doing what ever is needed to get the family we've always wanted. I struggle every day to stay strong, but I know there is a way to succeed with PCOS and now MTHFR. We both keep pushing forward and have hope that we will get what we've worked so hard for, only time with tell when that will happen.

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Through My Loss.......

6/18/2015

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Things happen for a reason. Most of the time we have no idea what that reason is and a lot of times I don’t think we will ever know. I am in the process of losing my 5th pregnancy. And even though I was only pregnant for a little over a week it has once again changed me. Even though I feel completely heart broken and lost, I still have to focus on the lesson.

Last night the doctor called and told me that my HCG levels had dropped and that I was indeed going through a miscarriage and all of a sudden my life turned. As I was lying in bed crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, all of a sudden a thought overcame me and I stopped crying…. I am a better person because of what I’ve gone through. For once in my life I truly believe it.

Through my loss, I’ve gained strength. I think everyone has a moment in life where they don’t feel like they can make it through. That moment where you know life will never be the same and you don’t want to go forward. I’ve had 5 of those moments. Every single loss has been hard and every single time I don’t think I’ll be okay but here I am. Some days are better than others. There are days where I’m moody and sad. Then there are days where my biggest accomplishment is not crying through the day. Even though I think about my losses and what the future holds for me every single day there is one thing I’m certain of….. I’ll make it through and I’ll be okay.

Through my loss, I’ve gained faith. There have been times where I’ve blamed God for what has happened. I’m not going to lie he’s the easiest person to blame. I am not the most “religious” person. I don’t go to church every week and I don’t do all the right things, but I do have faith. By going through trials our faith is tested. I’m not just necessarily talking about religion. I’m talking about faith in yourself and your beliefs. By believing in yourself and your beliefs you open yourself up to a whole new outlook on life. In the last couple of months I’ve never felt more at peace with my life. My faith has been tested and I’ve faltered, but I’ve learned a lot in the process.

Through my loss, I’ve gained understanding. About a week before I found out I was pregnant, I had a dream that is still so vivid. I dreamt that my Grandma, who passed away years ago, was talking to me on our couch. I can still see her cute nose, her pink lips, and hear her voice. It’s like she was really here with me. When I found out about the pregnancy, I thought maybe the dream was a good sign that everything was going to work out this time. But now knowing that I’m miscarrying, I think it was a sign to me that the babies are in heaven with her. It honestly brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. To think that they are safe in heaven surrounded by loved ones brings me so much comfort to me.

Through my loss, I’ve gained stronger relationships. The greatest lesson I’ve learned through the process of baby loss has been the strength of my relationships with my family and friends. My husband is without a doubt my beacon of strength and the biggest blessing in my life. He helps me cope with laughter, keeps me busy, and never forgets to hug me. His hugs are my favorite place to be. I will never take his love for granted because he has helped me in more ways than imaginable. My In-laws have accepted me as one of them and they are amazing. Their hugs and flowers they sent me has really brightened my day. My family. There are no words to describe how much they mean to me. They are the first to offer help whether it’s my mom offering to bring me lunch, my sister spending all day researching possible causes for my miscarriages, or my other (crazy) sisters being vulgar in front of my mom and making me laugh. They help me in more ways than they know. My dad has always been my rock. He will drive hours to take me to lunch just because he misses me and he knows I need him.

Do you ever think about your life and all of a sudden everything is put in perspective? I have been taught so many lessons in the last couple of years, but the one I’ll never forget is to be thankful for what I have. The most impactful things in your life are not things. They are people, lessons, blessings, and self-worth. As long as you remember who you have in your life, look for the lesson in all things, count your blessings, and remember your self-worth you’ll be able to make it through anything.

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Life Update!

5/31/2015

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Life has been so crazy lately! Earlier this month we started the procedure for our first IUI. I was started on 7.5 mg Femara days 3-7. On my first follicle check I had some good follicles growing but the doctor wanted me to really get them ripe before doing the trigger shot. I was given one vile of Bravelle to take. The shot wasn't bad at all. It's a tiny needle and the only thing I noticed was a bit of a burning sensation for a few minutes after the injection. When I went back for the next ultrasound I had 7 very mature follicles! I couldn't believe it. I knew that I was really uncomfortable and bloated, but didn't think my body responded that way to the medicine! The doctor gave me 2 options, I could cancel the procedure all together or he could perform a follicle reduction. He won't do an IUI with anything more than 3 follicles. I decided on the follicle reduction because I didn't want to waste the month of medicine.

On day 12 I took the trigger shot at 10AM and went in for my IUI that next morning. As I'm sitting on the table waiting for the IUI it dawned on me that I was in the same room that they performed my D&C just months before. It made the day kind of tough. The doctor came in and immediately got started. He performed the follicle reduction first. As he was about to get started I asked him if it hurt. He looked me in the eyes and said "yes. Imagine the feeling of getting an IV... just down there." I thought to myself "OK I can I handle that"! Before he started he had me count to 3. On 3 he poked the first follicle and I wanted to scream! It in now way felt like an IV! I know I shouldn't be surprised because a man will never know what anything feels like down there haha! Let me just say that if I am ever given the option to cancel the cycle or go through another reduction, I would choose to cancel. It was awful! He repeated that 3 times to get rid of the smaller follicles and then moved on to the actual IUI. The IUI was so easy. A little pinch from the catheter but that was it. It took about 5 minutes and he was done. So now we wait.

It has been 5 days since the IUI and I've been feeling crampy and a bit of spotting. I'm hoping those are good signs but I'm trying not to get too optimistic. I keep thinking of the what ifs. What if I am pregnant? What if it doesn't work? What if I have to move on to IVF? What if I am pregnant and I miscarry again? The thing with playing the "what if" game is it never gets you anywhere. I am going to continue to live in the moment and not stress about anything else. Why is that always easier said than done when it comes to trying to conceive?

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Guilt Ridden

4/22/2015

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It’s been 3 months since I lost my baby. In those 3 months I’ve gone through every single emotion. I’ve been more sad and lost than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I’ve had this guilt hovering over me for so many reasons and it’s been really hard to put a handle on it. I think that every emotion is talked about when you speak of infertility and baby loss, but guilt is one that we don’t hear very often. But I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

The thing with being a women is we feel this need to control every situation. We plan our days, our meals, our vacations, our future, etc. So when life throws us a curveball we automatically take blame. There are have been so many moments in the last 3 months that I blame myself for Nate and I not having a family yet. I realistically know that this miscarriage and most likely the others were not caused by anything that I did but I still feel like it’s my fault in a way.

A couple weeks ago, I decided to attend a baby shower. I went for one reason and that is that I love Nate and his whole family and I wanted to support them. As selfish as it may seem to some, I did not go because I wanted to. Again I felt guilty because I didn’t want to go. I am glad I went and supported my family but leaving the event made me realize that there is no shame in telling people “no”. If you are invited to a kids birthday or any event in that matter and it’s too hard simply tell them you will not be attending. Spend that time taking care of yourself and dealing with your emotions. I know people think that those of us going through infertility are too emotional, but the things we are going through they will never be able to imagine let alone understand.

During these last couple of months I haven’t felt like I’ve been the best sister, daughter, friend, and most of all wife. I definitely feel like my husband deserves better. I’ve been distant and unsocial. I try to mask those emotions, but no matter what is said or done they are still in the back of my mind. I read something a week or so ago that really struck me though. In the book it said that couples going through infertility need to remember that even though they do not have children doesn’t mean they don’t have a family. They are each other’s family. You don't even know how many times I've felt lost or like I don't fit in because I don't have a family yet. That one sentence in the book made me rethink that. I know that no matter what happens I’ll always have a family with Nate. That makes me so happy!

I’ve decided to start focusing more time and attention to my relationship with myself and Nate rather than focusing on anything outside of that. I’ve decided to limit time I spend on social media and focus on living in that moment whole heartedly. I’m learning to balance my fitness and nutrition routine a bit so I don’t feel so much stress if I stray a from the routine. I will still stay focused on living as healthy by eating right and exercising regularly, but I won’t put so much pressure to meet goals. I’m excited to start these changes and make some amazing memories with my family

Here’s the thing that I’ve learned by my infertility and baby loss experiences…. To be able to mourn, cope, and walk with your held high after being dealt such a hard hand in life makes you a very strong individual. The amount of weight you lift, the distance you run, or the number on the scale can never measure that. You should never feel guilty for taking a step back and realizing just how amazing you are. Always remember how truly amazing you are!

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Inner Happiness

4/19/2015

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I’m almost done with my personal trainer/coaching programs finally. I’ve been trying to come up with a “purpose” to my program and what I want my clients to take away from it. My overall goal is to make them live a happier life. I want them to set small and big goals and be able to accomplish all of them. I will help them learn information on how to live a healthy lifestyle. I want them to lose weight, live life, and have self-worth. This program will not be only about weight loss. It’ll be a journey to living a happy, non-judgmental, and goal driven life.

The best thing I’ve ever done in my life is choose to take care of myself. I’m learning to love every aspect of myself ,right down the little pudge of fat I still have on my stomach. I still have some inner demons that I’ve got to work out, but for the most part I’m confident with myself. I remember feeling so unhappy and unconfident. It was hard for me to get motivated to go anywhere because I was afraid of what people would think when I walked by. It makes me so sad to remember how unhappy I was.

It truly breaks my heart when I hear of people feeling that same way. I wish so badly that I could make them realize that it doesn’t have to be this way. You can change it and you’re not stuck this way forever. I don’t believe all change comes physically. There has to be a want to become mentally and emotionally stronger. To me it all goes hand in hand. As you become physically stronger and healthier you also become mentally stronger. As you’re running that extra 30 seconds that feels like forever, you have to mentally tell your body that it can and will do it. That right there is why I love fitness and that is why I can't wait to continue to help others feel better about themselves. I feel as if I've found my purpose in life.

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