Feeling defeated in many ways lately. We’ve been saving money and every day we’re getting closer to our goal. We are hoping to be able to start our donor cycle the end of April or May but it seems like the closer we get the more anxious I’m getting. Not an excited anxious but a depressed anxious. Staying optimistic during such a huge time in our lives is so hard when we have everything riding on this. I think the reality of it all has really set in. We are putting all of our eggs (well not technically) in one basket.
Infertility has a funny way of stepping aside and letting you live your life and then sneaking up on you super-fast to remind you of the void in your life. It’s kind of like “Hey you have a pretty amazing life. Perfect family, amazing husband, awesome friends. Oh but wait, don’t forget… you can’t make a baby!” Infertility is such a bitch.
Women are naturally built to want to conceive and carry a child. We long for it. When that experience doesn’t seem attainable the guilt sets in. I feel guilty every day knowing that not only am I putting myself through such an intense experience, I’m also putting my husband and family through it too. I see the way my hubby is with our nieces and nephews and I know he will be the most amazing dad when that time comes. I watch my nieces and nephews growing up and can’t help but feel sad that my child might not ever have a cousin close in age. I just hope that when they do get a new baby cousin they’ll be his/her biggest protectors and best friends.
There’s so many things in life that make me step back and really question my endurance and courage. I know I have no choice but to keep my faith that it will work out. What if it doesn’t? But what if it does? I can only imagine the feeling we’ll have when our courage is finally rewarded.
Last week my sister started a gofundme account for our fertility costs. This was such a hard decision to make and honestly I felt extremely uncomfortable with it. I have had a mix of emotions since the fund has started. I’ve had family, friends, and complete strangers donate their money. Believe me when I say that Nate and I do not take this lightly. We are so grateful for those who have donated and shared our post. I was at work when I got word that donations were coming in and when I saw the amounts and names of those donating I broke into tears.
I wanted to set the record straight on a few things. Nate and I are fully aware of the need for adoption. If you’ve read my last blog entry you’ll know that we looked into for a few months. We paid for background checks and paperwork needed, but there is something holding us back that is personal and quite frankly, I don’t feel the need to discuss what it is. Like I’ve stated before, adoption is a beautiful thing. I am amazed at the strength and compassion that goes into being an adoptive parent. At this time it’s not in our future, but we all know how things change so quickly.
I also wanted to let everyone know what we’ve done up to this point to pay for our fertility costs. I know how it is to be hesitant to donate to someone if you don’t know what they’ve done to help themselves first. Last year alone we’ve taken money from our parents, maxed out credit cards, looked into refinancing our home which is not possible right now unfortunately, and saved every penny we could. We’ve cut back on anything that is not necessity. I look at some people who have done multiple rounds of IVF and wonder how they do it so easily, but then I remember every person has a different situation. Ours unfortunately has already taken all that we have.
To help pay for our upcoming costs, we have started making pallet signs to sale. I will start getting pictures up on my Facebook and Instagram accounts so you can purchase those if you want. For now I’ll just be making them beforehand, but might start making custom orders depending on the demand for it. My friend is also going to start making some cute bath salts and other fun craft projects to help towards our IVF Fund. Aren’t friends amazing to have?!
I started this blog at first as a way to help others with weight loss, mostly focusing on those with PCOS because it adds such an emotional toll to it, but it’s changed into something so much more. I feel like because of my honesty on the blog I’ve been able to open the eyes of those who have never been affected by infertility. I have also received so many messages from those who are struggling with it, but are not quite as open as me, who thank me for sharing what I do. I appreciate that so much because I second guess posting a lot of what I do. I try not to care what people think, but at times I worry that people feel like I post for attention which I promise I don’t. There are times I wish I could go back and never start the blog and live my life more secretive but then I think of the blessings that have come from sharing my story and I know it was meant to happen.
I just want to tell all my followers, friends, and family that your kind words of support, monetary donations, and prayers mean the world to me. I’ve gone back so many times to messages and comments that I’ve received and they’ve helped me remain positive on days I didn’t feel like myself. Because of your effect on my life I try harder every day to make the lives of those around me better. With all the hate in the world right now, it's nice to see that there are still amazing, unselfish people willing to help others. I'm so inspired right now. Again, thank you.
The last couple of months have definitely been months of refocus. Since our failed cycle in November we really wanted to take some time to digest what happened and figure out how we need to continue. It was so needed and I’m so glad we waited instead of jumping into anything. I guess I can’t say I didn’t jump into anything because right away started researching and getting any information about what steps would be best for our situation. I drive Nate crazy sometimes with all my “research” but I know deep down he loves me for it!
Immediately after the failed cycle, I told Nate I was done. I was emotionally, physically, and mentally just exhausted. The stress that infertility puts on a person has proven to be the same as those going through cancer. It gnaws and gnaws at you until you break. Because at that point in time I was at my breaking point I decided to move forward and really look into adoption. This is where I jumped right in….
We looked into agency’s and homestudy reps. We got out background checks, child abuse clearances, and all other needed paperwork. We even scheduled an appointment for the homestudy rep to come into our home to begin the process. But before we made it to the appointment I had a feeling that I needed to talk to my doctor again before I make the decision. I had only talked to him over the phone right after they called to tell me about the end of our last cycle. I needed to know that I had tried everything to carry a child before I moved on to adoption. We are not completely giving up on the idea. The more I’ve researched adoption and read personal stories, the more I love the idea. It’s an amazing blessing!
I called my doctors’ office expecting it to be another month or so before we could meet with him because he’s always super busy running between all of his clinics but to my surprise he had a cancellation and could get me in 4 days. AWESOME!! I met with him on Tuesday of this week to go over what happened and why it happened. He basically told me that what happened with the eggs on our cycle was either caused by genetics or something that has happened to my body during my lifetime. It could be endometriosis that has clung to my ovaries or it could have been a Pelvic infection that I didn’t even know I had causing the eggs to be affected. The thing is we will probably never know what has caused my eggs to not work right. Based off of the family history we do know of, we don’t see any link to it being genetics, but who knows? Basically it’s best to move forward with something we can control.
At this point we have 2 options, go through IVF again, adjust the meds a bit, and hope for a better outcome or we move to IVF with Donor Eggs. Nathan and I had already discussed the use of donor eggs and we both agreed we are open to it. My DR let me know that his success rate with the use of donor eggs is 80%. Those are insanely good odds! He is really confident that this is our best bet. EVERYTHING he’s tested me for has come back normal. Hormonally I’m balanced and physically I’m in great “child rearing” form. All my miscarriages, years of negatives, and failed cycles all point to one culprit…. Bad eggs.
I took the packet home and shared all the information with Nate and we’ve decided to move forward with the use of donor eggs. We are so excited! I have never gone into a cycle feeling more optimistic. The fact that the baby can still be genetically tied to us really puts my mind at ease. I can’t wait to see a little Nate running around the house (I’ll probably be eating those words after it actually happens ;)
So at this time it’s back to drawing board on how to afford the treatments. I really kind of jumped in to the last IVF cycle so we are going to have to take our time and save as much money as possible before we move forward with the treatments. One thing I do know is all of the time we put into fundraisers or the money saved by not doing anything fun is going to be so worth it. I can’t give up on this dream of ours. I already feel a motherly instinct to not give up on my babies and I’ll do whatever it takes.
Wife and Mom! I love all things fitness, nature, and design inspired. Infertility warrior and new mom through adoption. Living this busy life the best way possible!